A quick summary of quotes from the diary for September 1975 :
"Bought new TD instruments"
I was still calling it TD or Technical Drawing at that point, the set was from a company called British Thornton, nice black clamshell case, again, lost in time.
"Pinched Carb also got Manifold"
The stupidity of youth, pinched a couple of items from the cupboards at the Ford apprentice training centre. Twin Weber carb on some manifold.
"Court, case dismissed 'phew' Gasspp, so fingers crossed for the future"
Long story, but I was up in court for being accused of trying to pinch a car, which I wasn't, I was trying to find somewhere to sleep one night on the way home from a nightclub, or thats the way I remember it. The court case was over my head like a damoclean sword all year.
Fingers crossed was a common phrase for me back then.
"Had argument with Jan, we're not talking, thought I'd got rid of her, no such luck - she says she'll change"
A pivotal point, my girlfriend was playing the field at the time and I was stupid enough to let her back, time was to show that she never stopped, even after we married.
"We've got rid of Ian at last"
Couldn't get rid of the girlfriend, but could get rid of a third guy who was living in digs with us, back to just me and Mark Gaskill.
"Usual rubbish at work, it's so boring, I keep dropping off..."
Wow, if only I could have seen the signs and saved myself thirty odd years of the same......
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Who do you think you are?
I acknowledge that I'm closer to me than anyone else, yet, I am still unsure at this late stage of my life about who exactly I am, how myself is presented and what I represent to the world.
I'm convinced that I am a good person and that I mean no harm to the inhabitants of this particular earth, yet I can not be sure about any of you whatsoever, you present yourselves as kind, considerate, and loving individuals but can break your visage at a moments notice, you strike me as self consuming, vain and egocentric, while I, of course have none of those nasty traits.
The 1975 diary was full of unworldly comments about my breathing moments, sort of a badly spelled mural of non events that made up that year in my life, somewhat of the worst and best of just one of the years I can attribute to my life on your planet.
If anyone reads this, thinks its all crap, well, fair doos, but its not, it was a thought, here inside, would stay forever if I had not typed it out, would be silent and lonely in this head, and will fade.
And would be lost, like all of us will, without each other, without communication with one another we are all, perhaps, nothing whatsoever.
I'm convinced that I am a good person and that I mean no harm to the inhabitants of this particular earth, yet I can not be sure about any of you whatsoever, you present yourselves as kind, considerate, and loving individuals but can break your visage at a moments notice, you strike me as self consuming, vain and egocentric, while I, of course have none of those nasty traits.
The 1975 diary was full of unworldly comments about my breathing moments, sort of a badly spelled mural of non events that made up that year in my life, somewhat of the worst and best of just one of the years I can attribute to my life on your planet.
If anyone reads this, thinks its all crap, well, fair doos, but its not, it was a thought, here inside, would stay forever if I had not typed it out, would be silent and lonely in this head, and will fade.
And would be lost, like all of us will, without each other, without communication with one another we are all, perhaps, nothing whatsoever.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Unjustified
I have been experiencing a lateral shift in my thinking lately, I'm discovering that some topics that I thought relevant in my life have faded, being replaced by a new, fresh bunch, perhaps as a mindset to justify my lifestyle.
The coast life, with all its simplicity, had presented me with a culture shock. The change from a working environment to a retired, relaxed, lifestyle had shaken a lot of the things I felt to be normal in our lives, normal because perhaps we have been educated to think of them that way.
Case in point was a visit to a "mainland" mall yesterday, a hundred or more shops, crammed with consumer candy, all bright and sparkling, calling to be bought, consumed, discarded, rejected. The edifice of all things worked for, fueled by the glossy media pokes and prods, the justification for all our hours in servitude laid out for the taking.
And I found myself walking around completely disinterested, my only thought was of escape, away from the maze, out to the fresh air, back to our "island" here on the Sunshine Coast, back to my reality and what is fast becoming my new friend..
Sanity.
The coast life, with all its simplicity, had presented me with a culture shock. The change from a working environment to a retired, relaxed, lifestyle had shaken a lot of the things I felt to be normal in our lives, normal because perhaps we have been educated to think of them that way.
Case in point was a visit to a "mainland" mall yesterday, a hundred or more shops, crammed with consumer candy, all bright and sparkling, calling to be bought, consumed, discarded, rejected. The edifice of all things worked for, fueled by the glossy media pokes and prods, the justification for all our hours in servitude laid out for the taking.
And I found myself walking around completely disinterested, my only thought was of escape, away from the maze, out to the fresh air, back to our "island" here on the Sunshine Coast, back to my reality and what is fast becoming my new friend..
Sanity.
Bipolar
You may think, following that last post, that I have a bipolar condition when I tell you I've been rather happy lately.
Thats understandable.
It's been a good year, from September to September. I'm happy to be around and life is probably better than it ever was, which is sometimes a reason for me to think about my brothers death and the effect it had on my parents and the rest of the family.
The very way I skirt around the issue indicates that I'm not quite sure about this god thing and really don't have evidence to out and out dismiss the concept, however, I am unable, unlike some religious people, to use god as a band aid for incumbent grief, unable to say that "It's all ok because it happened for a reason" and am even more concerned that any of the bad things that happened to my family have been presented to me to demonstrate and reinforce how happy I am, or should be, at any given moment.
You could call me bipolar, but I'd rather think of myself as a smartie, nice crisp shell of happiness with a darker, sad, core.
Thats understandable.
It's been a good year, from September to September. I'm happy to be around and life is probably better than it ever was, which is sometimes a reason for me to think about my brothers death and the effect it had on my parents and the rest of the family.
The very way I skirt around the issue indicates that I'm not quite sure about this god thing and really don't have evidence to out and out dismiss the concept, however, I am unable, unlike some religious people, to use god as a band aid for incumbent grief, unable to say that "It's all ok because it happened for a reason" and am even more concerned that any of the bad things that happened to my family have been presented to me to demonstrate and reinforce how happy I am, or should be, at any given moment.
You could call me bipolar, but I'd rather think of myself as a smartie, nice crisp shell of happiness with a darker, sad, core.
Friday, September 12, 2008
End of Life
As someone who has held his dad's hand as the lifeforce runs out, whispering regrets and apologies far too late, the concept of god in all his glory may seem an attractive quilt to wrap around and protect him from the cold.
Infinity.
I could get angry with god, maybe even rationalise at some point that all that happened to members of my family, backwards through time, arriving here at my feet in sentience, was justified, a demonstration of undenying love.
Improbability.
Don't pity me, don't try and convince me, but my belief in anything godlike has been shaved away to nothing over the years, not because of what I feel has been done to me, but what was done to them.
An odd internet message, but, god, I do not believe in you.
And I will not forgive you.
Infinity.
I could get angry with god, maybe even rationalise at some point that all that happened to members of my family, backwards through time, arriving here at my feet in sentience, was justified, a demonstration of undenying love.
Improbability.
Don't pity me, don't try and convince me, but my belief in anything godlike has been shaved away to nothing over the years, not because of what I feel has been done to me, but what was done to them.
An odd internet message, but, god, I do not believe in you.
And I will not forgive you.
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